For my culinary fans.
Invitations have been sent out via email, Fat Tony’s Italian catering has been hired, and Bon Jovi is currently setting up the stage as I type. This isn’t an 80s retro party going down, it’s a celebration with Miss Madison and I for the first annual National Ex Spouse Day celebration we are hosting. That’s right April 14th is a day to celebrate your ex. Hell yes, we’ve got a fresh shipment of voodoo dolls, enough shredded court documents to fill a dozen piñata dolls, and plenty of pictures that strangely are missing another person to pin to the dartboard for fun and games.
Seriously, a national ex day?! Did the zombie apocalypse start and I didn’t get the memo? Evidently the honorable Reverend Ronald Coleman of Kansas City, Missouri created this insane national day of recognition after what must have been one hell of sermon way back in 1987. Because I value my time, I vetted the back story on this about as much as I would the history of the lava lamp. When I saw this flash across my Twitter feed, the term “shit a brick” didn’t apply. More like a 2500 square foot ranch home was released from my bowels!
I’m ready to throw a party for the same person that caused me to lose my dog, my house, my dignity (temporarily), and now has caused me to spend something close to the GDP of Haiti to make sure I don’t see Sloane? This would be akin to asking a Jewish family to celebrate the Holocaust. Iranian reader, I know it didn’t happen, I also had breakfast with a talking bunny a couple of weekends ago so we can agree to disagree. I see Sloane so rarely these days that I’m fully expecting the next time we are together she’s going to ask me to go shopping for training bras or ask my opinion on various types of Playtex products. No thank you, Mr. Coleman, I think I’m going to treat April 14th like any other day and spend my free time plotting a hostile takeover of Diet Dr. Pepper and trying to get a one-on-one interview with whoever green lit Fuller House (the people deserve an answer) over at Netflix.
Sloane and I miss Suebee.
Speaking of Twitter, not since that time Avril Lavigne followed me on Google Plus did I have a social media coup like I did yesterday. Meet Mark Odlum, he started following me on Twitter yesterday and has 1—count them 14 –IMDB.Com (Internet Movie Database for the novices) acting credits to his name. He’s actually an accomplished producer also, but I might have gotten a little social media stiffy getting followed by a Hollywood type. I mean he has an IMDB.Com page for crying out loud! This is a much cooler Twitter follower for me than say a Russian dating app site…. right? Hammy says otherwise, but he’s too busy writing his memoirs these days to offer any real insight.
Mark, I can’t act or sing, but my agent will be in touch!
Mr. Skipah has to step back for a second and thank everyone for sharing the #MyBabyTooBill post from a couple of days ago. I write a lot of aimless dribble and nothing relevant on here at times, but that one did mean a ton to me. Special thanks to Jason for posting it on his own personal website, and, in an unrelated note, if my mounting legal fees weren’t enough, I’ve got to fund his kids an Ivy League education for the mention. Seriously though, if this can get to the legislative floor of Indianapolis and save another father from the hell I have had to go through, then my job here is complete.
Also, a quick tip for anybody, do not piss off a pack of dads that got put through the family law ringer. Evidently this law firm in Florida was a main proponent in the Florida SB 668 that granted fathers assumed 50/50 custody in that state and their mission statement on their website reads pretty much as “Let’s eff your man up in court!” Apparently, this is a prominent law conglomerate in the Sunshine State, and only adds more fuel to the fire that family law is a broken and corrupt system that favors women. If their Facebook page isn’t closed for maintenance yet, it only proves my theory that lawyers don’t know a damn thing about social media.
True story, I had to explain the #SloaneStaysHome hashtag to a prominent attorney in my area one time in court. You would think someone that bills for so much as pondering taking a phone call would be up to date on these kind of things. Nope, and this is the damn problem in family law! The people defending and ruling on this are from a different era, and since they can think like it’s 1984 and “Born in the U.S.A.” was charting on the Billboard at number one, they are allowed to! I’m ready to move to Florida after that billed passed, but thought differently after being reminded that Disney World is there.
There are some men a hell of lot smarter than me that are taking this to task nationally, I’m just hoping to get a little traction locally, and I will! In honor of National Ex Day, I’m not throwing a party, I’m going to go all Andy Dufresne and start putting lawmakers on alert with monthly letters! Andy got the best damn prison library in Maine funded, so there is hope and “Hope is a good thing.” Make parenting common sense, not feeding the shell game that is the family court system!
The previous paragraph was sponsored by the Shawshank Prison Society.
About it for now, I’ve got an exclusive interview with John Bon Jovi on his role in Young Guns II and how did he have such lovely hair in the late 80s. Miss Madison thinks our party invitations need some tweaking, and I’ve got to throw in my two cents on the New York primary elections on social media!
Lot of history there lol
At first I was confused, then I started laughing uncontrollably. Honestly I just kept on reading and laughing, didnt make sense to me but hey I got that laugh and thats good enough for me. PLus why kill that ex with a voodoo doll…just enjoy your life coz its fabulous without him/her right!
Twitter envy…guilty as charged…keep em coming and thanks for sharing on the bloggers Pit Stop!
Am I the only one confused here? Time for a re read I think.
Just wish I got to play dad a little more than twice a month :(. At least summer is coming on soon!
I’m glad you are so passionate about your role as father. It is refreshing. My hubby (and why I married him…he is my second) LOVES his grown kids and keeps in regular contact. They all live in a different city. My ex? Third time divorced and barely keeps in contact with my daughters. hashtag loser. He lives close by to my youngest and he still can’t get it right 🙁
Thanks, Twitter envy LOL, maybe I should reach out to him for my big shot in Hollywood!
I LOVED reading this!!!!! You made me laugh out loud, gave me goosebumps, gave me Twitter envy AND made me want to stand up and FIGHT for our rights as human beings. Well done my friend!
Thanks Carl, yes I think before too long us silly American’s will have a holiday for every occasion!
Wow just amazing. Never knew there was such a day.
Such an enjoyable read starting from your party invitation, your twitter following etc. 🙂
Lori you are too kind, thank you :).
Always an enjoyable adventure to read your posts!
I hate douche bag dads, absolutely despise them! Sounds like you get to celebrate every year losing a turkey with eating one :). That’s a winner winner chicken, err turkey dinner right there!
When I got divorced (and I do celebrate every Thanksgiving, which is the day that he left,) my ex tried to put my son in the middle of our divorce. When my son, at 15, decided he’d had enough of it, he then started threatening to beat the crap out of him. Its men like that that make it difficult for real (as in those who truly act like one) fathers in custody battles. My son is almost 30 now and barely has a relationship with his father and although he’s tried several times, unfortunately his father (almost 60 now) hasn’t grown up.
Thanks Deb, it was rather low key Bon Jovi no showed :(.
Brilliant as always! Thanks for all the chuckles, hope it was a fantastic day!
Thanks, no reason to apologize :). It’s great to see how far you’ve come along on your blog as well. It’s like we are the “old” timers now! The winds of change are hopefully sweeping through this state on family law!
Hi Gary! Wow, it’s been awhile and I am sorry…I am not even going to try and give excuses lol I have clearly missed out on some awesome things here! Way to go! 😀 As for National Ex Day…count me in! lol I will take one Voodoo doll please 🙂 Great idea! Oh, and seriously…wtf is up with that lawyer….questioning a hashtag? Give me a break. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to see Sloane as much lately 🙁 Why do people have to be like that?…My fiance’s brother is going through similar issues in the family court system. It’s a total joke and I feel for you. I know there are plenty of stereotypical “dead beat dads” out there but it applies to the mothers to in more cases than not….yet somehow many of them go undetected and even favoured! (I am not trying to say Sloan’s Mother is a deadbeat but it doesn’t sound like she has the best interest of everyone involved and that’s just sad to me. In the case of my brother in law….here’s a guy who truly loves his girls…totally stand up guy and taking care of business..working his butt off to support his kids and their mother who I have to wonder about sometimes. Where that money is actually going because I have my doubts it’s going to my nieces. Things will start to go well for bit until the next court day…somehow the mother of his children (who clearly needs help) gets favoured every time and it boils my blood to see it. I happened to sit in a court session once with my fiance….we were there for support and it took everything I had to not lose my shit in the courtroom lol ugh…You just keep going my friend. You are awesome and Sloane and Miss Madison are lucky to have you! 🙂
No kidding? I’ll have to get on the research department for feeding me bad intel!
Carol for the win today! Thanks for all the kind words, I’m all better these days, I don’t agree with it at all but karma will come back around one day :).
Shit dads kill it for the good dads, I’m completely in agreement with you on that. Good luck with court.
Definitely Double T!
Most peculiar.
I heard about this day and immediately thought of you. Glad you’re not really celebrating that crazy spice-named-ex-spouse! Oh, by the way, you must’ve been freakin’ loaded before the divorce because the GDP of Haiti was $8.71 Billion in 2014! http://www.tradingeconomics.com/haiti/gdp
Actually…I DO Have a voodoo doll, post coming soon about it. When you see the photo feel free to meditate on it, but really maybe we can all wish her light and love and LOGIC for God’s sake. I just HATE when divorced parents do this and I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you. When I think about it my heart hurts. We love you Skipah, and just remember that it’s all a lesson, what goes around comes around and all the other platitudes that are the best we can do in a horrific situation like the one you face. Whoa, that was long!
It’s very unfortunate that I live in that sunshine State 😬. If my kids dad was a good father, I wouldn’t have minded this 50-50 bologny. Hopefully, that won’t be the case in my upcoming trial 🙂
Can I get one of those voodoo dolls?
Yeah, I have just one that had the decency to go ahead and die. We were Catholic, he wasn’t ever getting out alive anyway. Still friends with all all of the exes, none have ever re-married….hmmmm
The Skipah’s Realm exclusive line of voodoo dolls are available for mass production Miss Athena if you would like to share them at your own personal Ex party. Plus it gives me a reason to go to Miami!
Oh I could celebrate it like it’s the fourth of July, would probably end up serving 10-20 afterwards though :(.
I thought so!
Yeah, I’m with ya! No way I’m celebrating the ex! I like voodoo dolls as part of the piñata! Lmao!!
Well thank the Gods that we don’t actually have to celebrate Ex day. I had started to wonder if there was a quota!
Hammy is ex KGB, he’s been on sabbatical since he got out of rehab.
We come up with some silly crap to celebrate around here don’t we?
The thing that really stunned me in this post was the revelation that Hammy’s busy with his memoirs. I hope they include some hilarious anecdotes about the young Putin. (Hammy is ex-KGB, isn’t he?)
That wacky Reverend. What an arse!