The Chinese Conspiracy!

I haven’t ruled him out yet!

What in the hell have I done to piss off the Chinese?  I patronize their Americanized buffets (most of them crappy), I spend way too much money on goods from their country, and what do I get in return?  Hacked that’s what, no less than a dozen times in the last two weeks I have gotten a 500-Internal Server Error and basically paralyzed my website until my web host can fix it.  I’ve tore this site down from the ground up and replaced/updated everything known to man yet I keep getting this script error.  I only blame the Chinese because in another fail swoop of events this past weekend my debit card got flagged as “hot” from my bank and deactivated because Xia Chong (that’s like John Smith in Mandarin) or some other wet behind the ears asshole was trying to spend 50.00 dollars a pop every fifteen minutes on Chinese whores, golden chopsticks, or hard back General Tso cookbooks!

Skipah’s PSA for the day:  Don’t ever, I repeat ever, have your primary checking account through an online bank.  I don’t care if they are offering you 20,000 cash, new cookware, and an original Monet painting don’t take the bait!  Since my primary bank is Ally (online) and my card was immediately deactivated (thank god, I was out zero money), I now have zero access to cash or purchasing power until my new card gets here in a day or two.  No local branches around here to withdraw money from.  Granted we are talking the funds of a third grade lemonade stand, but I so much as can’t even buy a Groupon deal on used paper towels right now until I receive my new plastic!  Never fear loyal denizens, I think I have enough cash on hand until Wednesday or Thursday to keep me swimming in Diet Dr. Pepper so don’t feel too bad for the Skipah.  Actually feel terribly sorry for me, my website keeps going offline and nothing like talking to a banking rep without laughing your ass off when they are reading off the Chinese websites I was “trying” to purchase from.

The debit card I buy all of my stolen spy trade secrets and secret marijuana strands wasn’t hacked so it couldn’t have been because I was on a “fishy” website….oh shit wrong blog.  Move along nothing to see here NSA…..no Miss Madison those are my collection of Tom Clancy manuscripts and indoor ferns!  I’ve told you a thousand times Agent X is my blogger friend from Texas, we exchange parenting tips he’s an insomniac so I can’t help it if he calls me at four in the morning wanting to know how change a diaper!

Editor’s note:  The following paragraph is an example of fiction or creative writing if you want to be uppity about it.  Skipah’s Realm and its employees do not advocate the purchasing of state secrets (unless it’s Kentucky) nor do we endorse the cultivation of marijuana unless it is legal in your particular state.

Moving on……yesterday I made the boring beautiful forty five minute drive to see my beloved Miss Madison.  Her plus six inch range hood had arrived and she was sick of staring at an oversized cardboard box.  She raised the Skipah bat signal (or she texted) to come and finish the job I had started the previous week.  On the way there I channeled my inner photography/travel blogger and decided to give you my loyal readers a look into the wonderful charm that is between New Albany and Madison, also known as Nowhereville, Indiana.  After the leaves fall in this part of the world there just isn’t much to see!

Yawn, at least I can pass slowpokes on this hill!

Heading out on Indiana State Road 62 (or the white tail deer causeway) armed with my cordless drill, no debit card, and a fresh Diet Dr. Pepper fountain drink your first landmark is one of Indiana’s finest shitholes in Charlestown, Indiana.  No offense Charlestonians I grew up in Clarksville, IN we are trained to loathe the place!  Charlestown was a bustling community back in WWII times when the Army Ammunition Plant down the road (now River Ridge) was in full production.  Think a small scale Boulder City, Nevada/Hoover Dam project for comparision.  Now it’s just a place you hope you don’t break down in unless you are armed with a pound of heroin and a gross of hypodermic needles.  It’s a sad state of affairs in that part of the state and the surrounding area.

Next up is the one light town of New Washington, Indiana!  About all I can say about it is the speed limit drops to 40 mph for roughly a mile.  Nothing to see here but a Dollar General Store and the local high school, and it’s roughly the halfway point to Miss Madison’s.  Just past New Washington is one of the federal government’s all time colossal wastes of money in Marble Hill, Indiana.  Long story short about 400 bajillion dollars was spent years ago on a nuclear power plant that was never finished and then aborted.  Not getting into a nuclear energy debate on here (for it), but anything that would make my Duke Energy bill cheaper every month count me in!

This picture is officially sponsored by the New Washington, Indiana tourism board!

This will be theme on the way to Madison, no small town in Indiana will ever run out of water!

From there it is a straight shot through a couple of cow towns known as Chelsea and Kent.  Chelsea did receive significant damage in the epic tornado that passed through here a few years ago.  Hopefully you aren’t caught behind someone pulling a horse trailer or driving a tractor because there is nothing to see and by then you are on the homestretch to Madison.  On the bright side if you are hung up behind one of these obstacles it’s flat and straight so assuming traffic isn’t heavy coming from the other way you can get around these pokey puppies rather easily.

Unfortunately this is extremely common.

Sorry it’s grainy, 60 mph doesn’t take the best pictures.  Halfway there!

No Chelsea Handler isn’t from here, in fact I don’t think anybody is!

Finally you reach a town with a Circle K (Hanover, Indiana) so of course it is customary to stop and refill your fountain drink with the liquid nectar of the gods before the final leg of your journey to Madison.  Hanover is what I describe as a big city, country style.  They have a CVS Pharmacy, Dollar General, mom and pop grocery store, TWO gas stations (one being a Circle K) and a McDonalds!  Throw in Hanover College and after the previous cities and towns you just traversed through, you think you are in Chicago minus the skyscrapers.

FYI, Woody Harrelson is a graduate of Hanover College!

No shortage of carbonated goodiness at the Hanover Circle K!

Finally I have reached my destination of southern Indiana’s little hidden treasure of Madison, Indiana.  Featuring a quaint historic downtown, some awesome Ohio River views, and of course none other than Miss Madison herself!  As I’ve noted before Madison, Indiana is divided into the hilltop and downtown.  Miss Madison is a hill topper resident (not the Western Kentucky University kind) so my brakes thank her every time I visit!

Again blurry, picturing taking and driving isn’t exactly a safe career choice!

Upon arrival yesterday I immediately got to work on installing her prized range hood.  Time was limited at first as Miss Madison Jr. had to perfect her inner Janet Evans/Summer Sanders (that’s swimming Kentuckian) at the local junior high school.  On an unrelated note I was should have packed my swimming trunks, damn I forgot how humid indoor pools are!  I withheld going all Mark Spitz (FYI, Indiana grad), and after swim practice we made our first trip to Lowes for some needed supplies.  A follow up trip to Lowes and then Walmart (ugh) would soon follow for me before installation could be completed.  Madison is no “podunk” town but hardware choices are limited to Lowes (closes at 9:00 p.m.) and Walmart (of course America’s 24 hour playground), but after getting all my gear in order I was able to amaze myself Miss Madison and she now has a functioning range hood with an overhead light and exhaust fan.

I did it!

By the time I got done she was on chapter 20 of “My boyfriend is a dweeb” and visibly nervous if her house was about to burn down with my high school shop class mastery of wiring electricity!  As I kept telling her, “So what if the wire is hot, just don’t touch it!”, needless to say it was a glorious time and after all was said and done she had a smile on her face.  Now if she would only let me win at Jeopardy once in a while!

About it for tonight, just finished up on the phone with my favorite girl in the world Sloane, who is already bored with her current school curriculum.  Ray Charles could have seen that one coming!  Before she left here she was ready to take on junior level accounting classes, now it is on to learning division again.  I wish I had some magic words to tell her it will get better, but not sure how to go about it since she already knows everything she is being taught!  That’s a post for another day though.